cold again

Another week of promise of warm weather but,  it's still pretty nippy out.  At least the sun is shinning today but still to cold for me to go out and do anything.  Steve went out for a short while and worked but there too much for just one guy to do my himself.  Though he's done a lot of work outside since we moved here and when we first got here the land was never touched,  it was all woods.  They had to clear a path just to build the house.


 Holly is suppose to come and help with the gardens in the back of the house,  bird feeders,  and deck.  I'm just waiting for spring and I want to be ready for it!  I planted kind of late last year so I don't want to make that mistake again. I'm needing a new grill this year,  I hope to have one by Mother's day.


I also have the kidney doctor tomorrow,  I hope I won't have to go back for awhile.  My arm is so sore from all the blood work this month and I only have two spots on just the one arm where they can draw from. I'm finally getting a better idea of what I can and can not eat so hopefully some weight will come off.  They did say it might take a bit because of the sudden diet change and salt reduction.  All I can do is keep trying.


I found out fishing season starts Saturday,  I hope we go often this year. I would love to catch fresh fish regularly . I love it,  Steve loves it and the pups!  Got to save some money for the roof,  Steve's 60th birthday and maybe a small vacation at the end of the hot summer!

Beeks Birthday

It's the weekend and it's suppose to be nice out the next few days.  Thursday was our oldest granddaughter's birthday and she came over for dinner with her Mom, brother two babies and boyfriend.  I cooked dinner,  some of her favorite stuff and she loved it!  Holly brought her the cake and ice cream.  They were here for a few hours so we had a nice visit.  Her little's are getting more and more use to the dogs each time they come over,  so that's a good thing because Steve don't have much patience when they cry and get scared with those three very large dogs coming at them.


I have a long list of things I want to get done over the warm weekend.  I wish we could go for a ride to the mountains and have a picnic. Or go shooting outside if it's warm enough but,  it's so hard to get Steve to do anything.  He has to be in an extra good mood.  It's tough,  he is not one to plan anything very often.  He'll talk about things but that's it.  It's always bothered me that if he wants or needs something he'll go right out and get it but,  he'll never say to himself,  let me bring home a pizza,  dinner, or lunch,  after all she cooks every day of her life with very little breaks.  If I want a pizza in front of the fire I would have to make it. There are so many little things that I love and that easily pleases me.


I really want this spring and summer to be different.  We've been here almost five years and we never went fishing, camping, to the movies or out for a real dinner.  I hate that I might die and  all the memories he'll have is me cooking and cleaning,  or nagging at him.


I love you Steve,  I still wouldn't trade you for anything.

Done with winter

Well the snow was beautiful this week though we are suppose to never see it here.  The pups couldn't get enough of that white fluffy stuff but,  I'm starting to really tire of the winter, I could so appreciate some sunshine right about now.  They say we can expect some temps in the 60's this week.

I've been so tired lately maybe it's the lack of sunshine.  I hope this pass's because doing anything is a real challenge. I have the kidney doctor in two weeks and I hope things go well.  I really want to start going shooting again with Steve and fishing this season but all I want to do lately is sleep sleep sleep!


I have a few projects I want to do before it gets too hot,  right now it's too cold. I hope we have a real spring this year.  You know the kind when you open all your window to feel a cool breeze but if you sit in the sun it's toasty warm.  You feel like you can do anything because the weather is so perfect.  I love that we can sit out on the deck and talk for hours and enjoy all the birds singing. Those are my favorite times.

Caution

So busy this week!  I had my kidney biopsy,  that was fun. Came home from that and I received flower's from my daughter Mandy which shocked the hell out of me since I haven't heard from her in forever!  I decided to text her after many failed e-mail attempts and was surprised she answered me.  I was nervous because she is so unpredictable but,  I really wanted to know how Fallon was doing and it was  wonderful to hear and see how big she got and how well she was doing.


Mandy sent me a video and some pictures.  We briefly caught up and said our good byes.
It's sad that you have to be so scared of your own daughter and fear what you tell her.  I told her I was doing good and pretty much left it at that.  Steve has enough to worry about without having to worry she'll report back to the girls back in RI.  That's a whole sad story in it's self. I miss my daughter a lot.  She can be so funny and full of adventure.  We had so many good times together and Fallon is a joy!  Fallon loved her Grandma and always wanted me to go with them whenever they were going out.  She would come stand in my bedroom doorway and say.... Grandma are you coming? and if I said no,  not today she would always grunt and say...come on!  LOL  I love her so much and miss her awful!  I miss all the little ones we don't see,  I just never mention it to Steve because it will make him sad.


Such a wonderful Dad and Papa and so unappreciated by most.  I love you Steve and I know how much you hurt in silence~~~

Reality

 Yesterday I finally went to the kidney doctor,  I was there a good long while getting my medicines in order and all my questions answered.  I went in by myself the first time so I could try and absorb all the information I was going to receive.


I'm still going over and over it in my head,  stage 4,  he said stage 4! next is stage 5 and the worse stage.  Of course it don't help that I've been diabetic with blood pressure problems for over 25 years either. They can't tell you how much time you have left to live or when and if you'll go on dialysis or able to get a transplant.  I'm having a kidney biopsy Thursday morning,  and so it begins.


I don't want to leave my husband, Sis, and dogs yet, or the rest of my small family. I want to at least see my 30th anniversary in a couple of years.  I'm realistic and I understand where my health is but,  I'm not ready to die just yet.



It will be easier for me,  once you die that's it,  you don't know anything after that,  but it's my Steve I think about,  who I think will miss me the very most. We've always have taken care of each other,  were all we ever had to really count on.  I'm not sure how he'll cope without me nagging at him.  I love him dearly,  he is my most constant in my life besides my Sister.