Haven't been on for a bit, having a bad few days with the husband. I felt like I was sent back in time four years ago. It sucked! It always sucks. I hate that feeling I get and I am never wrong. Wish I was but I'm not.
I have a lot to think about, serious things. I have three months the Doctor said till I have to make some decisions about where I'm going with this kidney disease. It's a lot to process. My sister and most people would probably say do everything you can to continue living. Living? this isn't living to me. I don't mean being sick, surgeries, medication, I can handle all of that. I've done it all before. But cleaning, cooking, running the house isn't something to live for. You want to live for the people in your life, because they make you feel loved and wanted, or because despite your illness or age you still have fun, romance, a life. I can take all the hard work but that's not enough for me. We are both retired, not in debt but, we rarely do anything. We have all this free time and we hardly use it. There are some things I can't do because of my leg but, I still can do and enjoy many things. Anyone who really knows me, know I am easy please, it doesn't take much to make me happy. My husband says he doesn't care what decision I make, I think he really means it.
I don't want to force anything on him. I didn't even want to tell him I was sick but the Doctor said I was in late stage CKD so I needed to tell him. You don't want your spouse and family to feel like they have to be nice to you because you may die sooner or later. You want to be treated real. So far Steve treats me as he always does, doesn't pull any punches and don't care about hurting my feelings, But I rather him be that way than fake.
I would like to make some nice memories this year for him before I can't.
I have a lot to think about, serious things. I have three months the Doctor said till I have to make some decisions about where I'm going with this kidney disease. It's a lot to process. My sister and most people would probably say do everything you can to continue living. Living? this isn't living to me. I don't mean being sick, surgeries, medication, I can handle all of that. I've done it all before. But cleaning, cooking, running the house isn't something to live for. You want to live for the people in your life, because they make you feel loved and wanted, or because despite your illness or age you still have fun, romance, a life. I can take all the hard work but that's not enough for me. We are both retired, not in debt but, we rarely do anything. We have all this free time and we hardly use it. There are some things I can't do because of my leg but, I still can do and enjoy many things. Anyone who really knows me, know I am easy please, it doesn't take much to make me happy. My husband says he doesn't care what decision I make, I think he really means it.
I don't want to force anything on him. I didn't even want to tell him I was sick but the Doctor said I was in late stage CKD so I needed to tell him. You don't want your spouse and family to feel like they have to be nice to you because you may die sooner or later. You want to be treated real. So far Steve treats me as he always does, doesn't pull any punches and don't care about hurting my feelings, But I rather him be that way than fake.
I would like to make some nice memories this year for him before I can't.
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