My Mind

   My mind is like a battlefield,  it is where some of the things you thought it would be like,  never happened.  But  if I allow these thoughts to dwell in my mind they will succeed in robbing me of peace and some happiness.  You'll allow yourself to sink into a never ending depression that you may never be able to crawl out of.


Over coming your thoughts may be hard but necessary for survival. Try to think of all the positives and not overlook even the smallest of things that put a smile on your face.  This morning as I was drinking my coffee alone on our deck and  five golden finch's was on the sock of seed I hung just the day before.  That one little moment made me glad I was alive.

Screaming

      Does anyone know what it's like to try and be upbeat and positive all the time?  You try and try to make a difference despite how hard it is just to get up some morning's.  Well  I come from a family of hard workers no matter what!   It just isn't in any of us to just sit back and waa waa waa but  this morning was one of those days I felt the water works trying to make it's way.  I worked so hard the last few days trying to get ahead of the game before the hot ass heat gets here.  The deck was shaping up and as soon as I was done in the kitchen I was going to try and scrub it clean but,  of course the dogs get mud everywhere,  chew up sticks and my Belle knocked over my newly planted morning glory's I wanted to attract my humming birds.  Of course Steve could care less,  it's not like something happened to his lawn.  All I want is a quiet pretty place . I'm willing to do it myself but I just don't learn!  I can't have anything nice. Last year Steve made it so nice in the front with rocks and flowers and they all destroyed it.  So this year I thought I'll do it on the deck because I love flower's so much but, I was wrong as usual.  I don't feel well enough to keep doing the same things over and over again.  It's too much for me.  I think Steve thinks because I don't complain much about how I feel that I must feel wonderful. 

Wrong! he hasn't a clue.  Everything takes a lot longer to do from just a couple of years ago. Some days I want to cut off my other leg it hurts so much,  and my hand hurts and swells by the end of the day that I can't even use it.  It sucks that he could care less how the inside of the house looks with the exception of his study, don't screw with that room.  But,  I understand about his study so why can't he understand how I feel?


Tomorrow is another day.

Just saying ~~~

   Just because the past didn't turn out like you may have wanted it to,  doesn't mean your future can't be better than you imagined.


Good words to try and live by or you'll allow yourself to suffocate in your own personal hell.  It can be hard if that's all you know how to do,  but saying it's too late to embrace the moment and allow yourself to have some enjoyable times  is foolish.


Just because your older and things may take longer to do, it  shouldn't dictate your life.

Strength

   

 Strength isn't how much you can handle before you break,  It's  about how much you can handle after you break.

Birthday

 What a nice few days out.  I so love it when the weather is nice you want to do anything.  The pups have been having a ball out,  they love when I get up, get a drink, and head to the gate on the deck to let them out.  I stay out a long time when I can because if I don't my Belle will come in the house to be with me.  All the birds are appearing again.  I could sit out all day and enjoy all sounds.  Sometimes I have to make myself get up  and try to get something done.


My birthday was Thursday and I had the eye Doctor that's always fun.  Steve brought me and I always feel bad that he's stuck having to wait around.  After that we went to Aubrey's for lunch and that was nice,  I love that place. No junk food there,  everything we ever had is always good.  Other than that my birthday was quiet,  my Sis called,  my Granddaughter and other friends left messages on Facebook.  I didn't get any cards from anyone and I missed that,  cards are my favorite,  it shows someone took the time out for you.


Tomorrow is ST.Patrick's day and it's the one day a year I love watching QVC.  All day and night they have so many things from Ireland.  I try to always get at least one thing if I can.  This year I will probably just get my perfume they sell.  Inis, I love that stuff and it's nice and light for spring and summer.


I also took out our last turkey in the freezer and am making that for Sunday dinner with all the fixings!  it's a little challenging cooking with no salt and little butter but last time I cooked turkey everything came out good. Of course the pups will feast tonight as well lol.  Its going to be rainy this week so no fishing but in the mean time I will look for places we can go. Steve is doing great on his diet,  I'm proud he hasn't fussed at all about it.

A little taste

The last three days have been so nice out!  Holly came over three days in a row,  once with Alicia and the kids,  everyone ate lunch on the deck.  That was nice because I almost always eat alone.  Steve likes to eat in bed or at the computer. We use to always eat together,  now no matter how nice a meal I make,  I usually end up in the dinning room alone.


Holly turned the dirt around in my garden beds,  I need to add nicer dirt and fertilizer and let that sit a few weeks at least before I plant.  Today is Wednesday and we haven't gone fishing,  five warm days past by and now the next few day are going to be cold and damp.


We got the truck back but it still don't run right.  Good job Rob. Tomorrow is the eye surgeon.  I hope that don't take too long.  Tomorrow I will be 55 years old.

Here we go again

Haven't been on for a bit,  having a bad few days with the husband.   I felt like I was sent back in time four years ago.  It sucked!  It always sucks.  I hate that feeling I get and I am never wrong.  Wish I was but I'm not.


I have a lot to think about,  serious things.  I have three months the Doctor said till I have to make some decisions about where I'm going with this kidney disease.  It's a lot to process.  My sister and most people would probably say do everything you can to continue living.  Living?  this isn't living to me.  I don't mean being sick,  surgeries, medication,  I can handle all of that.  I've done it all before.  But cleaning, cooking, running the house isn't something to live for. You want to live for the people in your life,  because they make you feel loved and wanted,  or because despite your illness  or age you still have fun,  romance, a life. I can take all the hard work but that's not enough for me.  We are both retired,  not in debt but, we rarely do anything. We have all this free time and we hardly use it.  There are some things I can't do because of my leg but,  I still can do and enjoy many things.  Anyone who really knows me,  know I am easy please,  it doesn't take much to make me happy.  My husband says he doesn't care what decision I make,  I think he really means it. 


I don't want to force anything on him.  I didn't even want to tell him I was sick but the Doctor said I was in late stage CKD so I needed to tell him.  You don't want your spouse and family to feel like they have to be nice to you because you may die sooner or later.  You want to be treated real.  So far Steve treats me as he always does,  doesn't pull any punches and don't care about hurting my feelings,  But I rather him be that way than fake.


I would like to make some nice memories this year for him before I can't.

Got out !

Yesterday was a nice day out.  I almost thought it wasn't going to happen,  Steve forgot we were suppose to go to breakfast,  an antique store, and to get our fishing license.  We didn't go to breakfast and that was fine because we had coffee and chatted for awhile.  We did go pretty far to only find out that the place closed down.  That stunk because I loved nearly everything in that place.  Steve drove awhile longer and found a small place where I scored some antique ball jars!  Love them so much!


We went to Wal-Mart and got our fishing and hunting license's,  some nice chairs and few other things.  I hope we really go fishing this year a lot.  Last year I bought a nice thermos  for coffee and a nice cooler bag.  I love picnic's,  I'm not sure why,  I just do.


It' still so cold in this house,  it makes it hard to cook or clean when your body is shivering and your hands feel frozen.  I need to get things done because I am running errands with Holly and Alicia Saturday.  We are going to Sam's Club and Aldi's.  I've been trying to stock up when I can so this summer I can save some money.  Everything is dam expensive and I'll be dammed if we go without  anything,  we did enough of that the first twenty years because the kids got every extra dime we had. Not that any of them appreciated it.  Sound bitter?  Dam straight!

cold again

Another week of promise of warm weather but,  it's still pretty nippy out.  At least the sun is shinning today but still to cold for me to go out and do anything.  Steve went out for a short while and worked but there too much for just one guy to do my himself.  Though he's done a lot of work outside since we moved here and when we first got here the land was never touched,  it was all woods.  They had to clear a path just to build the house.


 Holly is suppose to come and help with the gardens in the back of the house,  bird feeders,  and deck.  I'm just waiting for spring and I want to be ready for it!  I planted kind of late last year so I don't want to make that mistake again. I'm needing a new grill this year,  I hope to have one by Mother's day.


I also have the kidney doctor tomorrow,  I hope I won't have to go back for awhile.  My arm is so sore from all the blood work this month and I only have two spots on just the one arm where they can draw from. I'm finally getting a better idea of what I can and can not eat so hopefully some weight will come off.  They did say it might take a bit because of the sudden diet change and salt reduction.  All I can do is keep trying.


I found out fishing season starts Saturday,  I hope we go often this year. I would love to catch fresh fish regularly . I love it,  Steve loves it and the pups!  Got to save some money for the roof,  Steve's 60th birthday and maybe a small vacation at the end of the hot summer!

Beeks Birthday

It's the weekend and it's suppose to be nice out the next few days.  Thursday was our oldest granddaughter's birthday and she came over for dinner with her Mom, brother two babies and boyfriend.  I cooked dinner,  some of her favorite stuff and she loved it!  Holly brought her the cake and ice cream.  They were here for a few hours so we had a nice visit.  Her little's are getting more and more use to the dogs each time they come over,  so that's a good thing because Steve don't have much patience when they cry and get scared with those three very large dogs coming at them.


I have a long list of things I want to get done over the warm weekend.  I wish we could go for a ride to the mountains and have a picnic. Or go shooting outside if it's warm enough but,  it's so hard to get Steve to do anything.  He has to be in an extra good mood.  It's tough,  he is not one to plan anything very often.  He'll talk about things but that's it.  It's always bothered me that if he wants or needs something he'll go right out and get it but,  he'll never say to himself,  let me bring home a pizza,  dinner, or lunch,  after all she cooks every day of her life with very little breaks.  If I want a pizza in front of the fire I would have to make it. There are so many little things that I love and that easily pleases me.


I really want this spring and summer to be different.  We've been here almost five years and we never went fishing, camping, to the movies or out for a real dinner.  I hate that I might die and  all the memories he'll have is me cooking and cleaning,  or nagging at him.


I love you Steve,  I still wouldn't trade you for anything.

Done with winter

Well the snow was beautiful this week though we are suppose to never see it here.  The pups couldn't get enough of that white fluffy stuff but,  I'm starting to really tire of the winter, I could so appreciate some sunshine right about now.  They say we can expect some temps in the 60's this week.

I've been so tired lately maybe it's the lack of sunshine.  I hope this pass's because doing anything is a real challenge. I have the kidney doctor in two weeks and I hope things go well.  I really want to start going shooting again with Steve and fishing this season but all I want to do lately is sleep sleep sleep!


I have a few projects I want to do before it gets too hot,  right now it's too cold. I hope we have a real spring this year.  You know the kind when you open all your window to feel a cool breeze but if you sit in the sun it's toasty warm.  You feel like you can do anything because the weather is so perfect.  I love that we can sit out on the deck and talk for hours and enjoy all the birds singing. Those are my favorite times.

Caution

So busy this week!  I had my kidney biopsy,  that was fun. Came home from that and I received flower's from my daughter Mandy which shocked the hell out of me since I haven't heard from her in forever!  I decided to text her after many failed e-mail attempts and was surprised she answered me.  I was nervous because she is so unpredictable but,  I really wanted to know how Fallon was doing and it was  wonderful to hear and see how big she got and how well she was doing.


Mandy sent me a video and some pictures.  We briefly caught up and said our good byes.
It's sad that you have to be so scared of your own daughter and fear what you tell her.  I told her I was doing good and pretty much left it at that.  Steve has enough to worry about without having to worry she'll report back to the girls back in RI.  That's a whole sad story in it's self. I miss my daughter a lot.  She can be so funny and full of adventure.  We had so many good times together and Fallon is a joy!  Fallon loved her Grandma and always wanted me to go with them whenever they were going out.  She would come stand in my bedroom doorway and say.... Grandma are you coming? and if I said no,  not today she would always grunt and say...come on!  LOL  I love her so much and miss her awful!  I miss all the little ones we don't see,  I just never mention it to Steve because it will make him sad.


Such a wonderful Dad and Papa and so unappreciated by most.  I love you Steve and I know how much you hurt in silence~~~

Reality

 Yesterday I finally went to the kidney doctor,  I was there a good long while getting my medicines in order and all my questions answered.  I went in by myself the first time so I could try and absorb all the information I was going to receive.


I'm still going over and over it in my head,  stage 4,  he said stage 4! next is stage 5 and the worse stage.  Of course it don't help that I've been diabetic with blood pressure problems for over 25 years either. They can't tell you how much time you have left to live or when and if you'll go on dialysis or able to get a transplant.  I'm having a kidney biopsy Thursday morning,  and so it begins.


I don't want to leave my husband, Sis, and dogs yet, or the rest of my small family. I want to at least see my 30th anniversary in a couple of years.  I'm realistic and I understand where my health is but,  I'm not ready to die just yet.



It will be easier for me,  once you die that's it,  you don't know anything after that,  but it's my Steve I think about,  who I think will miss me the very most. We've always have taken care of each other,  were all we ever had to really count on.  I'm not sure how he'll cope without me nagging at him.  I love him dearly,  he is my most constant in my life besides my Sister.

Disappointing News

Well it's snowing here in TN...lol   My daughter came over this morning with my Grand Daughter and Great Grandsons today to tell us they are moving to Georgia Saturday and that she is pregnant again!  I'm sad that she is leaving but at least she'll only be two hours away than if she had moved to Texas near her Dad.


I'm hoping that her and her boyfriend will have better luck at finding work or getting some education.  His parents are there and they sound like good hard working people who will put them in the right direction.  I also think with her not being so close to her mother she will get more independent.  I think my daughter holds her back some.


I'm having them over Friday night for a good bye supper,  of course Alicia requested linguica and pepper grinders,   and I'll have to make something for desert.  I will miss her so much.  I don't see her as often as I'd like but it was nice to know she was near by.  The little ones are getting big and fun to be around,   they even play with the dogs and cat now.


Time is just flying bye it seems,  before you know it the warm weather will be here and we will be wishing it was cooler out.

Sunday Sunday

 Boy is it freezing in the house this morning!  even my morning coffee didn't warm me up.  All the pups and cat are in here with me sleeping staying toasty warm because I have a heater in here.   I hope it warms up some so I can get some things done today.  This is a big house to clean and having three big dogs isn't always easy.


Friday I went out with my daughter to run errands and halfway up the driveway I made her stop so I could watch all the bluebirds playing and flying around.   There must have been more than 20 of them! and they were all trying to get into the two bluebird houses Steve put up when we first moved here.  We couldn't stop watching them because besides them there were so many other birds that morning,  it was great to watch.  My Mom would be in heaven here,  she would love seeing so many birds and deer.  I think of her all the time when I especially sit outside.


It's very quiet here,  and in the warmer months with all the trees in bloom we are tucked away from everyone,  far from the street.  I love it,  it's as if we are almost all alone here.  Steve works extra hard here in the warm months to keep the very large yard looking so nice.  We have little hills so when the grass is all cut it looks so nice.  If only I could have flowers,  the dogs love sniffing them and running through them no matter how much room they have to run,   and there is plenty even for three big dogs.

Just another day

  So got up at the crack of dawn to head off to the eye surgeon,  only to be disappointed that I couldn't have it done because there was too much bleeding.   So I have to wait three weeks to go back and see what happens,  February is going to be a busy month!


It's freezing out again today even though we are in the warmer part of TN,  that means the dogs will be keeping me company  today,  Steve has his Drs appointment this afternoon and he hates going!  I'll take that time to do some cooking and try a couple of new kidney friendly recipes.  I have so many limitations it makes things hard on this new diet,  hopefully when I go to the new doctor he'll shed some light and I can move on from there.


As much as I hate the heat I sure would welcome some warm weather to sit outside for awhile.  I love sitting out on the back deck.  Steve mentioned he may enlarge the back deck and I would love it!  It's hard for me to fill the feeders because of the small hill and my foot doesn't bend.  I usually rely on my grandson to help me fill the feeders.  I love the birds and we get lots!  I love the hummers and bluebirds  especially.

Beautiful Day

 What a nice day out today! 61 degrees,  my favorite weather!   I know I must be feeling better because I have the fever for cleaning.  I want to get done what I can by Thursday because they moved up my eye surgery since I had another rupture in my eye.


Today we also had to bring my Belle to the vets for her shots and have them check on her ear that just won't heal from her and her Mama  playing to rough.  She is also having a bath. Just taking a break while waiting for them to call me so we can go get her.  I miss her.


She's back and cried all the way home.  Poor thing sure missed us.  She smells so good and she got her shots and some meds to come home with.  Wednesday Dixie will get done.


I got some cool recipes  for dog biscuits and treats for the pups from Pinterest.  "  I love love that site "  They have so many talented people on there.  It's one of my favorite ways to enjoy myself.




 

Well that's done

 Ahh,  well the electrician came the other day and we actually got a break,  what was wrong was serious but easily fixed and it didn't break the bank!   We have a safe home again and everything is working!  All the extension cords have been picked up and put away.  What a relief that was.

 Next we got our new mattress set delivered and it is awesome!  It's huge and comfortable. Steve loves it and thinks I did a great job picking it out.  In 28 years we never had a decent bed,  we always felt it was to big of a splurge to spend much money on one. He had a great sleep and I'm sure his shoulders and hips were loving it as well.  No more dogs in this bed that's for sure.


Next,  the Doctors,  I like him but it's like pulling teeth to get him to sit for five minutes.  I made him sit though and tried to get as many answers as possible.  My blood pressure was almost perfect.  I lost 10lbs since the hospital.  "  that's a good start " and I found out I'm at stage 2 CKD but,  I think I'm going to treat it like I'm far worse off,  it won't hurt and should help me a lot.  He acted like it was no big deal but the doctors at the hospital acted different.  So I am going to take this seriously and try to do my best. I know how serious CKD is,  my sister got a transplant and my Mom died from it.


Steve still bust my buns about my weight and is forever telling me my modeling days are over and I'm old.   Along with that even after ten years I am still  feeling weird about my missing leg. I did gain 25 of my 68 pounds back this year but I think he thinks I gained it all and that's ok as long as I know I didn't.  At least I kept a large chunk of it off.  All I can do is move forward.

stressing

 I'm sitting here waiting for the electrician to come,  we've had two come already,  one just didn't seem to care that half the house isn't working and that we have extension cords everywhere!  and the other younger man he was pretty sure what the problem was but said we need a contractor for that kind of problem.  That sounds like that could be a lot of money,  but that's was only half the problem,  finding someone to come here was a chore in it's self.  So I am waiting here and he is already two hours late.  You don't want to start anything because when he comes you don't want to stop what your doing or you don't want to get all messy.  I just want us to get a break,  let it be fixable without costing a fortune.


Tomorrow is my doctors appointment,  don't think I'll get much in the way of answers,  meaning I'll have to wait till I go to the kidney doctor and that's three more weeks.  I just want to know exactly where I stand,  what stage am I?  This way I can make plans and get my house in order if need to be. I am feeling better that's for sure but who knows.


Steve has been helping me way more that he ever has in all these years together and I am grateful for any help.  I hate to complain about hurting or being tired but at least we know why I am so tired all the time.  Yesterday was a good day,  I felt pretty good and rested and I always take advantage of those days and try to get as much done as I can. I really want to get a lot of weight off before the spring so I can get outside more often and enjoy it.


One of my resolutions for this year was to try and get us to do more things together.  All we do is errands for the most part.  We've never been to the movies or dinner,  no fishing or picnic's.  We do go shooting but,  not as often as I would like.  I want to make some nice memories before it's too late.

No rain today!

 Yahoo,  I can actually see the sunshine today!  It's been raining  pretty heavy here for a few days and before that bitter cold!

Yesterday I started organizing my study and it sure was a mess but I got a lot done!  Steve helped me clean yesterday so that was a nice break.  Today I will attempt to do more and maybe take the dogs out for awhile,  they behave pretty well for me now and don't take off into the woods anymore.

I've been on both kidney sites for recipes and they are very confusing!  I was told one thing by the nutritionist and yet every thing I read is nearly the opposite.  I guess I'll have to wait till I see my new kidney Dr. and get a better understanding from him,  in the meanwhile I'll try my best on what I eat.

I started crocheting again and I forgot how long it takes to do a blanket..lol  But,  I do enjoy it.
Today I am making homemade pizza for lunch,  it should be interesting using no salt or meat. So we'll see how that goes.  At least Steve is a sweetheart about anything I cook, I could  count how many times he didn't like something I made on one hand in twenty eight years.

My Sis sent me a couple of cards yesterday in the mail and that was sweet.  And my grand daughter Bethany called me to see how I was doing.  Well I better get crackalackin!

Disappointed

Good Morning , NOT!  All I can say is...thank god for my sister Kim, if I didn't have her to talk to I don't know what I do to keep my sanity.

I have three grown children and they have all shocked and disappointed me to the limits! I honestly don't understand why they are the way they are.

At least, I always thought I could count on my oldest daughter Holly,  she can be sweet and giving under the right circumstances.  Steve and myself have always been there for here no matter what,  despite how much she has hurt us over the last 28 years with all her lies and craziness! We figured she is only hurting herself with life of crime, lies after lies, and how she has hurt all three of her children. But, as always she does something that doesn't surprise me once again, lie.  She lies for no reason at all!  She doesn't know anything else. It saddens me that I now know she can't be trusted what's so ever.

So now what do I do?  I guess for my own sanity I'll have to keep her at arms length and see her only occasionally so I can still my grandson and great grandbabies. How sad is that?  Sad but needed.

I can't even talk to Steve about it anymore because it's just more disappointment and he's already had enough of that from his own daughters. We have nothing but takers in our lives, NO givers what so ever.


I sure am tired, emotionally drained, I stare out the window and cry and try to pull myself together before I go hang with my husband.  I want our time together to have no bullshit other than every day things that may come up.  I adore him~~

Another Morning

  Well I weighed up this morning and I didn't lose a single pound!  I must say I am very discouraged,  I got rid of almost all things with sodium,  No snacking at all,  and nearly no carbs!  I am feeling a bit distress this morning. I hope next week will better,  all I can do is keep trying.  I don't get much exercise since my ankle started hurting so much, so that surely isn't helping,  I'll give it month to see what happens when I go to my first Kidney Doctor appointment.


So if that isn't enough to worry about it's been freezing here so the electric bills are going to be high! and our electricity isn't working at all in two rooms all of a sudden and many outlets aren't working!  So I made a dreaded call to an electrician and I'm waiting on that.
I was just starting to feel positive about things,  Steve got us a top of the line washer and dryer,  " we went without for almost a year "  I ordered a nice mattress set,  something we never splurged on in our 28 year relationship,  and we finally started a roof fund going and poof our computer up and died!  we replaced that and now the electricity!  We usually always land on our feet but,  the stress is there!

Today while I wait for the electrician to call back,  I'm going to try and clean my den and get organized.  Things have been muddled around here since Steve and I share a computer. And now that I get a little forgetful I need to go back to my old ways of being OCD with my organizing!  Be back tomorrow~~

New Journey

You know that old phrase,  you never what's going to happen.  Well it happened,  I went to the emergency room just before New Year's because my right arm was hurting so bad and I couldn't move it to save my life!  So off  to the ER I went.

Of course they ask a million questions, take a lot of blood,  and any other test they seem fit doing,  all the while your on the verge of vomiting and your thinking you can't go on much longer with the pain!  And then it happens...The Doctor comes in and you think,  finally I am going to get some relief.

They shoot me up with some wonderful pain meds that just makes it bearable and then smack with the news!  They have no idea what's wrong with my arm but,  I now have CKD,  know as chronic kidney disease.  What?  that's crazy,  I don't smoke or drink,  I don't eat a lot of fatty foods!  What the hell!  Before I know it I am being admitted and all this confusing information is thrown at me.  So much to absorb and process.


The first thing you think is when am I going to die?  Am I going on dialysis,  just the thought of that makes my head hurt.  My mom and sister was on that.  I know you can't live long on dialysis.  My sister got a kidney transplant and my mother died shortly after. What will happen to my husband? my dogs, cat?  You start crying and then tell yourself to stop it!  I have my sister to talk to but that's it.  You don't want to talk to your husband to much because you don't know what he's thinking about all this and you don't want to be a cry baby.  It's life and you deal with it,  you don't want your family feeling sorry for you or obligated to spend more time with you just because.. So what do you do?


I've decided to,  as always make the best of a bad ass situation and just do the best I can.  So I made my new Doctors appointments,  signed up on a kidney site that gives great information, recipes, etc.. What else can you do but make some big changes and hope that some of it will pay off.  I also made a vow to myself that I'm not going to consume myself and others with the kidney talk.  My blog here will be where I can write my feeling's,  fears, frustrations as this new journey unfolds... Maybe some day when I'm gone my husband will read this and get to see through my eyes.

I must mention it's just been over a week since I've been home and he's been so helpful which means a lot to me.  I love you Steve.